Painful blogging

Tonight I had intentions of only writing one blog. The words seemed to flow rather easily until my internet connection dropped out and I lost everything I had typed after the first paragraph. My last blog took at least a dozen attempts and this is no lie. I was getting frustrated more and more every minute.

Who would have thought in this day and age with the advanced technology that is available that I would still have to experience my internet connection dropping out? The amount of money spent on telecommunications, I expect something alittle more reliable.

Come on tele companies, pull your finger out and provide us with a service that we deserve.  At the very least provide us with a service that we pay for.

Bringing thoughts to a page

I read my first blog tonight. It inspired me to take the leap and start one of my own.  For so long now I’ve wanted to be able to get out the random thoughts that sometimes plague my mind. They may not come out in perfect sequence or make perfect sense but some things I feel just need to be said.

My best friend got engaged this week, I’m so happy for her and her future husband. I’ve spent the past few weeks going with her from store to store checking out and trying on bridesmaid gowns, getting ideas for the invitations and just having general chit chat about wedding ideas. It’s been exciting. But this feeling from deep down keeps trying to surface. My own longing to meet MR WONDERFUL and to experience the sheer joy of planning a wedding of my own is becoming too great. Sometimes my excitement gets too overwhelming and I look for the things that I may like if I ever followed her path. I’m finding it very hard to forget about me and to focus on my friend.

I’m 31, single and never married. I haven’t been in a relationship for nearly 10 years. My heart aches at the loneliness and sometimes I find it difficult to be around couples and witnessing their happiness. How do I overcome these feelings that draw me into a dark and lonely hole?  How do I accept myself and my situation and carry on as if everything is ‘peachy’?

I sent a guy that I am attracted to a message on Facebook recently, poorly declaring my feelings for him. It was no surprise really when I got a reply of rejection. Actually I was more shocked that he made the effort to reply at all.

I was foolish to convince myself that my feelings may have stemmed from a ‘GOD thing’.  This is how I came to my conclusion…… When I look back at moments that have arisen over the past couple of years there is no wonder I wanted to believe that God had his hand in it all. It all started when a close friend of mine made the decision to get baptised. We had met a number of years previous and got ourselves into all sorts of mischief. I of course had left the church and given up on God to live my own life. A life of wild parties, drugs, sex and alcohol. To show my support I went to her baptism. I met up with people I knew from when I attended that Church as a teenager. I also laid eyes on a rather handsome man I had never seen before. To my surprise he was the new youth Pastor at the church.

The day ended and I went back to living my life the way I was used to. But something subtly started to change inside my heart. Over the course of the next 2 years I discovered I was not happy living a life of sin and needed something more. I gave church another try. I got involved with a small group and 12 months later I myself was baptised.

As a part of my ever-changing heart I became involved with Project 3:18. By this stage I was praying that I might meet my future husband on the trip and you’ll never guess whose path I managed to cross again???  That’s right the Youth Pastor. Much to my dismay I discovered he was engaged. Well I thought maybe God had someone else in mind for me.  As the year progressed and the team regularly met to prepare for the trip, my heart was overjoyed to learn that the man I was attracted to was no longer engaged. Of course it would have been wrong of me to admit this aloud.  And I’m no fool to think that he’d be ready to jump from one relationship to the next but I was ready to wait patiently. My hope to get to know him and make an impression on him during the trip was greatly achievable.

Of course it didn’t work out that way. I became too shy and lacked confidence to make the effort of spending time with him. Another opportunity arose at Easter time when I joined StormCo and went out to Nyngan to take on some community service with a group of young adults from Kellyville. I’d heard rumors that ……… (a particular man who I will leave unnamed) was to be going to NZ during the time I was serving out in Nyngan. I of course was disappointed but that wasn’t the reason I was on this trip. The morning of departure I learned that…….would be joining us in a few days. And again my hopes flared for an opportunity to win this man’s heart. Again I failed. Put down by discouraging words of friends.

I walked away still with hope that maybe one day when the time was right all would fall into place. There’s little hope of that now as he makes plans to travel overseas. Maybe this whole thing was a manifestation from my own conspiring mind.

I know GOD has someone for me.  I’m just becoming too darn impatient. When will I be able to write about my own happy ending????